Yinzers in the News #6 – Joe Starkey is Putting Us Out of Business

Joe Starkey, of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, has written a great article on what it would be like if fans owned the team as a public entity, much like the Green Bay Packers. While it is against league rules, Joe speculates on what the 40-part mission statement would be.

40. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

39. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

38. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

37. We shall tear down Heinz Field and rebuild Three Rivers Stadium.

36. We shall provide free beer at Three Rivers Stadium.

35. We shall change the name of the Coca-Cola Great Hall to the IC Light Great Hall.

34. We shall hire Chuck Noll as head coach.

33. We shall hire Terry Bradshaw as quarterbacks coach.

32. We shall hire Lynn Swann and John Stallworth as wide receivers coaches.

31. We shall revert to the beloved block numerals on players’ jerseys.

30. We shall petition the NFL to send the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland so we can beat the Browns four times a year.

29. We shall hire Greg Lloyd as head of community relations.

28. Donnie Iris shall sing the national anthem.

27. We shall not run scoreboard replays of the game in progress but rather a continuous loop of the Immaculate Reception.

26. We shall hire Franco Harris as running backs coach.

25. We shall overcome.

24. We shall hire Roy Gerela as kicking coach.

23. We shall hire Mean Joe Greene as defensive line coach.

22. We shall petition the NFL to allow us to gamble at the new North Side casino (Hey, they allowed the Rooneys to have gambling interests all these years; why not us?)

21. We shall hire Joey Porter as White House liaison.

20. We shall beat the living snot out of Steely McBeam and bar him from the stadium.

19. We shall invite Cliff Stoudt to a December game and pelt him with snowballs.

18. We shall hire Jack Lambert as linebackers coach (he shall moonlight as the office linebacker and deck unsuspecting slackers all day long).

17. We shall hire James Harrison as director of on-field security.

16. We shall declare the entire Downtown area a parking lot. Tailgate parties shall commence on Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m. and continue until, um, the following Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m.

15. Halftime festivities shall periodically include a ceremonial burning of the resident offensive coordinator.

14. We shall petition the NFL to make the New England Patriots give us two of their Super Bowl rings.

13. We shall hire Mel Blount as secondary coach.

12. We shall offer a Sunday morning church service, at which we shall fervently pray to Ben Roethlisberger.

11. We shall not have Bobblehead Dolls but Voodoo Dolls, in the likenesses of Jerry Glanville, John Madden, Al Davis, Kordell Stewart and Neil O’Donnell.

10. We shall petition the NFL to enshrine every member of the ’70’s Steelers — including Jack Deloplaine and Ernest Pough — into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

9. Rocky Bleier shall deliver a motivational speech before every game.

8. We shall not provide sprinklers at training camp but hire Bill Cowher to shower fans with spittle all day.

7. We shall hire Tommy Maddox as trash collector.

6. We shall expunge any record of having drafted Huey Richardson, Troy Edwards, Tim Worley and Jamain Stephens.

5. We shall replace our stadium’s turf with a replica of the Terrible Towel (talk about terrible turf) and dispense transistor radios that play nothing but Myron Cope-isms.

4. We shall hire Bennie Cunningham as tight ends coach.

3. Smoking shall be encouraged in all parts of the stadium.

2. We shall allow fans to reserve parking spots with lawn chairs.

1. Did we mention free beer?

That is about as good as it gets. Way to nail Yinzer nation.

Read it here: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/mostread/s_578474.html

#3 Equating Poor Steelers Quarterback Play with Being Gay

The Steelers quarterback is the standard-bearer of Yinzer happiness at any point in the year. If the quarterback is playing well, he is the toast of the town. Sandwiches are named after him. Posters declaring him the savior of humanity abound. He’s even made a deputy sheriff. If the quarterback is not playing well, then there is only one logical conclusion to make — he must be gay.

The tradition of assuming struggling Steelers quarterbacks are gay dates back to Terry Bradshaw’s early days as a number one draft pick. When he struggled early in his career, the whisper campaign began.  He had a funny Louisiana accent and had a sense of humor, and did sort of wear some of that gay southern stuff that showed off his chest hair. And, let’s be honest, the whole failed country music career didn’t help.

Then along came Kordell Stewart. Stewart, a mediocre quarterback best known for throwing a ridiculous hail mary pass for his then Colorado Buffaloes, was drafted in the second round, which made Yinzers practically squeal with excitement. In his rookie season, head coach Bill Cowher used Kordell in a quarterback/running back/wide receiver/punting role, earning him the nickname “Slash.” After this, as Yinzers will tell you, Kordell could have had a Hall of Fame career as Slash, but he insisted he was starting NFL quarterback material. Kordell Stewart sucked at being a starting NFL quarterback. Therefore, the logic held, Kordell Stewart must be gay.

Any Yinzer worth his weight in perogies had a cousin’s friend’s uncle’s boyfriend’s sister that had actually SEEN Kordell Stewart cruising for gay sex in Schenley park. Regardless of the lack of actual evidence of Kordell’s homosexuality, Yinzers were convinced that his passes skipping off the Three Rivers Stadium AstroTurf were the result of limp wrists. Teammates were so affected by the rumors that in the 1997 season, Kordell Stewart convened a team meeting declaring his sexuality. “I believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” he said. This was such a huge part of his career that Sports Illustrated featured the topic during a short-lived career resurgence.

If you know that you’re about to be with a group group of Yinzers, be sure to study the latest team news, such as the digestive habits of the entire offensive line. If you’re unaware of the latest, the conversation will inevitably lead to talking about Kordell Stewart’s great-player-to-gay conversation. If this occurs, stay calm and immediately align yourself as closely as you possibly can with this idea, declaring that you can’t believe how gay he was. To do otherwise would lead to suspicions of your own gayness, and you will be immediately ostracized from the group. If the conversation doesn’t die quickly, simply look at everyone and ask the following: “Do you remember that growth on Kordell Stewart’s neck? What was that thing, anyway?”