Yinzers in the News #6 – Joe Starkey is Putting Us Out of Business

Joe Starkey, of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, has written a great article on what it would be like if fans owned the team as a public entity, much like the Green Bay Packers. While it is against league rules, Joe speculates on what the 40-part mission statement would be.

40. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

39. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

38. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

37. We shall tear down Heinz Field and rebuild Three Rivers Stadium.

36. We shall provide free beer at Three Rivers Stadium.

35. We shall change the name of the Coca-Cola Great Hall to the IC Light Great Hall.

34. We shall hire Chuck Noll as head coach.

33. We shall hire Terry Bradshaw as quarterbacks coach.

32. We shall hire Lynn Swann and John Stallworth as wide receivers coaches.

31. We shall revert to the beloved block numerals on players’ jerseys.

30. We shall petition the NFL to send the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland so we can beat the Browns four times a year.

29. We shall hire Greg Lloyd as head of community relations.

28. Donnie Iris shall sing the national anthem.

27. We shall not run scoreboard replays of the game in progress but rather a continuous loop of the Immaculate Reception.

26. We shall hire Franco Harris as running backs coach.

25. We shall overcome.

24. We shall hire Roy Gerela as kicking coach.

23. We shall hire Mean Joe Greene as defensive line coach.

22. We shall petition the NFL to allow us to gamble at the new North Side casino (Hey, they allowed the Rooneys to have gambling interests all these years; why not us?)

21. We shall hire Joey Porter as White House liaison.

20. We shall beat the living snot out of Steely McBeam and bar him from the stadium.

19. We shall invite Cliff Stoudt to a December game and pelt him with snowballs.

18. We shall hire Jack Lambert as linebackers coach (he shall moonlight as the office linebacker and deck unsuspecting slackers all day long).

17. We shall hire James Harrison as director of on-field security.

16. We shall declare the entire Downtown area a parking lot. Tailgate parties shall commence on Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m. and continue until, um, the following Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m.

15. Halftime festivities shall periodically include a ceremonial burning of the resident offensive coordinator.

14. We shall petition the NFL to make the New England Patriots give us two of their Super Bowl rings.

13. We shall hire Mel Blount as secondary coach.

12. We shall offer a Sunday morning church service, at which we shall fervently pray to Ben Roethlisberger.

11. We shall not have Bobblehead Dolls but Voodoo Dolls, in the likenesses of Jerry Glanville, John Madden, Al Davis, Kordell Stewart and Neil O’Donnell.

10. We shall petition the NFL to enshrine every member of the ’70’s Steelers — including Jack Deloplaine and Ernest Pough — into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

9. Rocky Bleier shall deliver a motivational speech before every game.

8. We shall not provide sprinklers at training camp but hire Bill Cowher to shower fans with spittle all day.

7. We shall hire Tommy Maddox as trash collector.

6. We shall expunge any record of having drafted Huey Richardson, Troy Edwards, Tim Worley and Jamain Stephens.

5. We shall replace our stadium’s turf with a replica of the Terrible Towel (talk about terrible turf) and dispense transistor radios that play nothing but Myron Cope-isms.

4. We shall hire Bennie Cunningham as tight ends coach.

3. Smoking shall be encouraged in all parts of the stadium.

2. We shall allow fans to reserve parking spots with lawn chairs.

1. Did we mention free beer?

That is about as good as it gets. Way to nail Yinzer nation.

Read it here: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/mostread/s_578474.html

Yinzers in the News #5 – Fireman’s Olympiad

This little gem comes to us from the Herald Standard, which was highlighting the 70th annual Fayette County Firefighters Convention hosted by the South Brownsville Volunteer Fire Company.

According to the article, there were 12 teams competing in the — I’m not making this up — moving hose lay and stationary hose lay.

However, this is some of the best copy I’ve ever read in a newspaper:

Stephanie McCormick and several of her friends had their chairs set at curbside, getting drenched by the spray from the hoses several times throughout the evening as the teams aimed their hoses in the air once their goal was accomplished. McCormick enjoyed being close to the competition.

“I’ve been sitting here for more than 30 years watching these. It feels good to get wet,” McCormick said.

In any good competition, it’s only fair that you group certain teams together based on their available technology. Because fire trucks have different capacities to move water, the competitors were placed in divisions. The names? Read on:

Hiller’s Team 2 won the light pumper division, with Fayette City’s Team 1 taking second place. Fayette City Team 1 took first place in the heavy pumper division, with McClellandtown placing second. Hiller also won the super heavy pumper division, with Isabella placing second.

The results of the stationary hose lay were not available as of press time.

(Editoral note: emphasis mine)

Real news is often better than parody.

Read it for yourself: http://www.heraldstandard.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19853387&BRD=2280&PAG=461&dept_id=480247&rfi=6

Yinzers in the News #4 – SYL Shameless Self-Promotion

WTAE shows us some love, which is a good thing since we just used an image of one of their newscasts to, well, make fun of them. Our only concern is that the WTAE coverage might signal that we’ve already jumped the shark.

In honor of their acknowledgement of our blog, we’ll lay off the local news media for at least 24 hours. Plus, it’s really entertaining to hear two blonde, attractive, non-Yinzer women actually say both “Yinzer” and “n’at.” I freakin’ love this town.

Note: WTAE ladies, please email us at yinzguys@stuffyinzerslike.com. We’re normal, attractive, young, successful, single professionals that happen to have a need for an anonymous creative outlet, and you obviously appreciate a little humor. Or don’t email us, you know, whatever.

(our little 25 seconds of video fame starts at 1:49)


Yinzers in the News #3 – New York Times talks about Pixburgh

The New York Times has an interesting article about Pittsburgh’s unique speaking style…

“Pittsburgh is a special case,” Professor Labov said. “Generally, local dialects have been absorbed by larger regional ones. But Pittsburgh, though part of the Midland, has retained its own speech patterns. In fact, Pittsburgh does things no place else does, like pronouncing ‘ow’ as ‘ah’ and very often dropping the ‘l’ when it comes at the end of a word.” (Radial, for example, winds up sounding like radio.)

Julie Schoonover, the barkeeper from Corning, had described the dialect of the Steel City (a k a Pixburgh) more succinctly: “If you want to hear some freaky talk, go to Pittsburgh,” she told me. “It’s all ‘yinz goin’ dahntahn’ down there.”

It’s actually an interesting academic look at the Yinzer Lingo. Go Pittsburghese!


Yinzers in the News #2 – Watch Your Hammy Karma

From the New Castle News, again

Have no fear, if all hell breaks loose, this 40-year amateur radio operator turned an acre of land on Mosser Street in Shenango Township into a makeshift radio command center:
Jenna Staul / New Castle News

A few golden nuggets…

For Jim Klingensmith, ham radio is more than just a weekend hobby…

…Draped in blue tarp and surrounded by windmills that power the site, the shed houses an estimated $15,000 worth of radio equipment that runs entirely off an elaborate system of solar and wind power as well as batteries and a back-up generator. Running water is provided through storage tanks that collect rainwater from the roof, which then goes through a purification filter.

Way to go, Jim. You completely blew past anything those folks at ready.gov could have ever expected.

Yinzers in the News #1 – Poop Found on an Elevator

Much like the obvious title Snakes on a Plane, this article is pretty much exactly what it says. Brought to you by the high-brow New Castle News, here’s the money quote:

Gary Stone Jr. is disgusted with the crap taking place in New Castle’s parking garage.

I also learned something about the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania and their substandard data collection:

Elevator defecation cases are not tracked by the state.

The rest of the article is priceless, too. Read it at: http://www.ncnewsonline.com/local/local_story_340093257.html. If the front page of the local daily newspaper had an article about a neighborhood fire, someone pooping on an elevator and a list of the latest deaths every day, you could sell it for $2.00 an issue without blinking an eye.