#3 Equating Poor Steelers Quarterback Play with Being Gay

The Steelers quarterback is the standard-bearer of Yinzer happiness at any point in the year. If the quarterback is playing well, he is the toast of the town. Sandwiches are named after him. Posters declaring him the savior of humanity abound. He’s even made a deputy sheriff. If the quarterback is not playing well, then there is only one logical conclusion to make — he must be gay.

The tradition of assuming struggling Steelers quarterbacks are gay dates back to Terry Bradshaw’s early days as a number one draft pick. When he struggled early in his career, the whisper campaign began.  He had a funny Louisiana accent and had a sense of humor, and did sort of wear some of that gay southern stuff that showed off his chest hair. And, let’s be honest, the whole failed country music career didn’t help.

Then along came Kordell Stewart. Stewart, a mediocre quarterback best known for throwing a ridiculous hail mary pass for his then Colorado Buffaloes, was drafted in the second round, which made Yinzers practically squeal with excitement. In his rookie season, head coach Bill Cowher used Kordell in a quarterback/running back/wide receiver/punting role, earning him the nickname “Slash.” After this, as Yinzers will tell you, Kordell could have had a Hall of Fame career as Slash, but he insisted he was starting NFL quarterback material. Kordell Stewart sucked at being a starting NFL quarterback. Therefore, the logic held, Kordell Stewart must be gay.

Any Yinzer worth his weight in perogies had a cousin’s friend’s uncle’s boyfriend’s sister that had actually SEEN Kordell Stewart cruising for gay sex in Schenley park. Regardless of the lack of actual evidence of Kordell’s homosexuality, Yinzers were convinced that his passes skipping off the Three Rivers Stadium AstroTurf were the result of limp wrists. Teammates were so affected by the rumors that in the 1997 season, Kordell Stewart convened a team meeting declaring his sexuality. “I believe in Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” he said. This was such a huge part of his career that Sports Illustrated featured the topic during a short-lived career resurgence.

If you know that you’re about to be with a group group of Yinzers, be sure to study the latest team news, such as the digestive habits of the entire offensive line. If you’re unaware of the latest, the conversation will inevitably lead to talking about Kordell Stewart’s great-player-to-gay conversation. If this occurs, stay calm and immediately align yourself as closely as you possibly can with this idea, declaring that you can’t believe how gay he was. To do otherwise would lead to suspicions of your own gayness, and you will be immediately ostracized from the group. If the conversation doesn’t die quickly, simply look at everyone and ask the following: “Do you remember that growth on Kordell Stewart’s neck? What was that thing, anyway?”

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61 Responses to “#3 Equating Poor Steelers Quarterback Play with Being Gay”

  1. That 1st paragraph couldn’t have been written any better. Kudos to you.

    By the way, my best friend’s – friend at work was the one who saw Kordell at Schenley, allegedly.

  2. This site is great! But I have a problem with this post. It makes Pittsburgh sound kind of anti-gay. A lot of yinzers I know might not be the most liberal people you’d ever meet, but there’s a certain level “mind yer own damned business” attitude, as well as a surprisingly high level of tolerance.

  3. I wouldn’t consider Pittsburgh, or Yinzers for that matter, to be particularly anti-gay. However, it is undeniable that both Terry Bradshaw and Kordell Stewart were the subject of such rumors. According to Google Analytics, about 45% of the people who find our site are searching for some combination of “Kordell,” “Stewart” and “gay.” I think that is a demonstration that this controversy just won’t go away.

    For the record, one of the writers on the site is gay. While obviously not a representative of the entire gay community, I’d like to think that we’re sensitive to these issues.

  4. You know who was really gay–Neil fucking O’Donnell!

  5. To say a poor performing quarterback is gay

    ..that’s just retarded


  6. couldn’t have said it better Sally G….don’t forget bubby.

  7. well, as far as I’m concerned we could “Bedazzle” the entire teams’ jerseys and I’d STILL be proud to be a Steelers fan!!!

    : )

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