General Yinzer Stuff #1: Tomlin Coors Light Parody

Hat tip to JB, who sends us this pretty much awesome Coors Light parody with Mike Tomlin.

Craigslist Yinzers #9 – Discount Ash Storage

crematory plot (lower burrell)

Reply to: sale-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-23, 9:19AM EDT

single niche, with urn inside greenwood memorial museuleum, includes opening/closing, paid $2700 for it, make 1000/make offer, or seeing what is out there in trade

Yinzers in the News #6 – Joe Starkey is Putting Us Out of Business

Joe Starkey, of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, has written a great article on what it would be like if fans owned the team as a public entity, much like the Green Bay Packers. While it is against league rules, Joe speculates on what the 40-part mission statement would be.

40. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

39. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

38. We shall provide free beer at Heinz Field.

37. We shall tear down Heinz Field and rebuild Three Rivers Stadium.

36. We shall provide free beer at Three Rivers Stadium.

35. We shall change the name of the Coca-Cola Great Hall to the IC Light Great Hall.

34. We shall hire Chuck Noll as head coach.

33. We shall hire Terry Bradshaw as quarterbacks coach.

32. We shall hire Lynn Swann and John Stallworth as wide receivers coaches.

31. We shall revert to the beloved block numerals on players’ jerseys.

30. We shall petition the NFL to send the Baltimore Ravens back to Cleveland so we can beat the Browns four times a year.

29. We shall hire Greg Lloyd as head of community relations.

28. Donnie Iris shall sing the national anthem.

27. We shall not run scoreboard replays of the game in progress but rather a continuous loop of the Immaculate Reception.

26. We shall hire Franco Harris as running backs coach.

25. We shall overcome.

24. We shall hire Roy Gerela as kicking coach.

23. We shall hire Mean Joe Greene as defensive line coach.

22. We shall petition the NFL to allow us to gamble at the new North Side casino (Hey, they allowed the Rooneys to have gambling interests all these years; why not us?)

21. We shall hire Joey Porter as White House liaison.

20. We shall beat the living snot out of Steely McBeam and bar him from the stadium.

19. We shall invite Cliff Stoudt to a December game and pelt him with snowballs.

18. We shall hire Jack Lambert as linebackers coach (he shall moonlight as the office linebacker and deck unsuspecting slackers all day long).

17. We shall hire James Harrison as director of on-field security.

16. We shall declare the entire Downtown area a parking lot. Tailgate parties shall commence on Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m. and continue until, um, the following Tuesday morning at 8:30 a.m.

15. Halftime festivities shall periodically include a ceremonial burning of the resident offensive coordinator.

14. We shall petition the NFL to make the New England Patriots give us two of their Super Bowl rings.

13. We shall hire Mel Blount as secondary coach.

12. We shall offer a Sunday morning church service, at which we shall fervently pray to Ben Roethlisberger.

11. We shall not have Bobblehead Dolls but Voodoo Dolls, in the likenesses of Jerry Glanville, John Madden, Al Davis, Kordell Stewart and Neil O’Donnell.

10. We shall petition the NFL to enshrine every member of the ’70′s Steelers — including Jack Deloplaine and Ernest Pough — into the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

9. Rocky Bleier shall deliver a motivational speech before every game.

8. We shall not provide sprinklers at training camp but hire Bill Cowher to shower fans with spittle all day.

7. We shall hire Tommy Maddox as trash collector.

6. We shall expunge any record of having drafted Huey Richardson, Troy Edwards, Tim Worley and Jamain Stephens.

5. We shall replace our stadium’s turf with a replica of the Terrible Towel (talk about terrible turf) and dispense transistor radios that play nothing but Myron Cope-isms.

4. We shall hire Bennie Cunningham as tight ends coach.

3. Smoking shall be encouraged in all parts of the stadium.

2. We shall allow fans to reserve parking spots with lawn chairs.

1. Did we mention free beer?

That is about as good as it gets. Way to nail Yinzer nation.

Read it here: http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/mostread/s_578474.html

#13 Rick Sebak TV Specials on WQED

Amongst leading experts, it is widely acknowledged that education must take place both inside and outside of the classroom. The role of the local school system is to teach children critical historical facts, such as the time George Washington lured enemy Frenchmen and Native Americans to an arts festival at the Point on a particularly rainy day during the French and Indian War. However, it is left to Yinzer parents to teach more recent history, including subjects like Pittsburgh’s bridge to “nowhere” and the mysterious sinking and disappearance of a B25 Bomber in the Monogahela River. Fortunately, Yinzer parents have a superior teaching tool for these lessons — Rick Sebak TV Specials on WQED.

The local expert on temporally-displaced things is Rick Sebak, who produces “scrapbook documentaries.”  In these specials, Yinzers are given the opportunity to wax nostalgic about things that are either not there any more, or are very different today. With old photos, film clips, and a player-piano soundtrack, people recall the time that the they met girls during Italian days or ate a very unusual sandwich.

Rick Sebak’s most-beloved special is Kennywood Memories, a 20-year old film that looks back at the local amusement park’s growth from a small park at the end of a commuter rail line to the “Roller Coaster Capital of the World” that filled the park with Yinzers in cut-off shorts and AC/DC t-shirts. The documentary provides Yinzers the opportunity to reflect on the good old days of their childhood and to tell their children just how much better Potato Patch fries were “back in the day.”

Other Rick Sebak blockbusters include the obviously-titled Things that Aren’t There Anymore, the not-what-you-think-it-is The Strip Show, the creepy A Cemetery Special, and the only-Yinzers-need-this-to-be-pointed-out What Makes Pittsburgh Pittsburgh. While it is quite impressive that Rick Sebak has produced twenty-three documentaries through 2008, it might be an even greater Pittsburgh media achievement that none of his films are exclusively focused on the Pittsburgh Steelers teams of the 70s.

The Pittsburgh PBS station, WQED, almost completely relies on Rick Sebak’s work for its funding. A totally fictional analysis of the PBS station’s books shows that sales of his specials alone account for 83% of the station’s budget each year. Further invented analysis shows that Kennywood Memories is responsible for about 46% of that total.

So, if you happen to run across a Yinzer, thank him for helping to finance your child’s obsession with Elmo through his purchase of another Sebak classic, A Program About Unusual Buildings & Other Roadside Stuff. Remember folks, he’s just doing it for the children.

Yinzers in the News #5 – Fireman’s Olympiad

This little gem comes to us from the Herald Standard, which was highlighting the 70th annual Fayette County Firefighters Convention hosted by the South Brownsville Volunteer Fire Company.

According to the article, there were 12 teams competing in the — I’m not making this up — moving hose lay and stationary hose lay.

However, this is some of the best copy I’ve ever read in a newspaper:

Stephanie McCormick and several of her friends had their chairs set at curbside, getting drenched by the spray from the hoses several times throughout the evening as the teams aimed their hoses in the air once their goal was accomplished. McCormick enjoyed being close to the competition.

“I’ve been sitting here for more than 30 years watching these. It feels good to get wet,” McCormick said.

In any good competition, it’s only fair that you group certain teams together based on their available technology. Because fire trucks have different capacities to move water, the competitors were placed in divisions. The names? Read on:

Hiller’s Team 2 won the light pumper division, with Fayette City’s Team 1 taking second place. Fayette City Team 1 took first place in the heavy pumper division, with McClellandtown placing second. Hiller also won the super heavy pumper division, with Isabella placing second.

The results of the stationary hose lay were not available as of press time.

(Editoral note: emphasis mine)

Real news is often better than parody.

Read it for yourself: http://www.heraldstandard.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19853387&BRD=2280&PAG=461&dept_id=480247&rfi=6

#12 Talking About the Time They Met Franco Harris

For non-Yinzers, Franco Harris is simply a retired football player of some notoriety. For football-as-religion Yinzers, he is the leader of “Franco’s Italian Army” and the man upon whom the football gods bestowed the blessing of the Immaculate Reception, an improbable play that resulted in a walk-off Steelers playoff victory. While he sustained a successful Hall of Fame career, that one play has defined his place in football history.

Despite a brief stint with the Seattle Seahawks in the twilight of his playing days, Franco Harris has remained a presence in Pittsburgh. His legend status and continued involvement in the community has led to a great deal of interaction with Yinzers, and you can guarantee that every Yinzer has a story about the time they met Franco Harris.

Yinzers will not hesitate to tell anyone who will listen that Franco “ain’t a jagoff,” “is good people,” “is dahn to earth,” and “is good to talk at n’at.” Whether it be at a Democratic rally with Barack Obama, an autograph session at the Union hall, or just walking the streets, Yinzers always make it a point to tell Franco how much they love him. While that chance encounter would become a nice anecdote for most people, it becomes a center of conversation for Yinzers. “Yeah, I know Franco,” a Yinzer will say, as if Franco Harris was a neighbor that once fed the dog while the Yinzer was at camp at lake Pymatuning. The Yinzer will then recount every glorious detail of the interaction. He will work himself into an absolute frenzy if Franco happened to be wearing his Super Bowl rings that day as well. “Oh my gosh,” he will say, “those rings were so beautiful it almost made me cry.” Usually, the story ends with, “Franco’s not as big as I thought he was.”

Listen intently to a Yinzer as he speaks of his run-in with football glory. It is impolite to sneer at anyone’s dream come true, especially when it involves meeting a personal hero. And, in the event that you have a chance encounter with Franco Harris, simply shake his hand and say “nice to meet you.” He has heard it all already, and he probably respects anyone that does not wag their tail in his presence.

Craigslist Yinzers #8 – Ummm, Really?

Medala PUMP IN STYLE Breast Pump for Fridge and or Cash – $150 (Mckeesport)

Reply to: sale-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-17, 9:53AM EDT

Pump in Style electronic Dual Pump…used for only 2 weeks and had to switch to formula.
$249.99 Retail
Selling for 150$ firm… (Editor’s Note: Hahaha.)
Or will take interesting trades.
(I do need a basement fridge/freezer.)
Let me know what you have

#11 Mark Cuban

The Yinzer\'s Sports Team Messiah. Seriously.Every culture needs myths, the stories shared among its people to reinforce group norms and carry traditions. While Yinzers have their share of legends — the night Jack Lambert tore through 20 tons of steel with his bare hands, for instance — Yinzers have one particular myth onto which they continue to hold. It’s about a boy, born and raised in the cradle of the Pittsburgh region (Mount Lebanon), educated at a world-renowned, Pittsburgh-based university (University of Pittsburgh for one year, then transferred to Indiana University in Bloomington), and grew to become a very wealthy (selling Broadcast.com at the height of the dot-com boom). He is rabid sports fan, wearing his team’s colors and capable of buying any share of Pittsburgh’s three major professional sports teams at any time. As the story is told, the man comes to Pittsburgh and spends vasts amounts of his wealth to guarantee a Super Bowl, World Series and Stanley Cup in each year he owns the team. Like a shepherd leads his flock, he will lead Pittsburgh to its rightful place as the City of Champions once again. The man, the myth, the legend is Mark Cuban.

Yinzers truly see Mark Cuban as the savior of the franchise, regardless of which franchise(s) he might choose. The Pirates are on their way to their 16th-straight losing season? Mark Cuban should buy them! The Penguins are on the brink of being sold and moved to Kansas City? Cuban and another Pittsburgh legend, Dan Marino, explored the possibility, later saying that not buying the team was a mistake. The venerable Steelers, on the block for the first time in a very, very long time? Mark Cuban has to reject the rumor.

It is easy to see why Yinzers would gravitate to this hometown boy. Mr. Cuban has demonstrated a considerable commitment to the Pittsburgh region by: owning a minority stake in an abandoned building on Fort Duquesne Boulevard; choosing to live in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex; and purchasing the NBA Dallas Mavericks. In addition, his sports team ownership style only slightly contrasts with the typical Yinzer love for understated owners, mostly demonstrated through behaviors like: getting in verbal confrontations with fans and referees; knowing little about running a sports team; acting like an idiot at his team’s games; and writing a blog about issues that no league would ever want discussed publicly. “Hey,” Yinzers say to each other at the corner bar, “he’s rich, he loves sports and he’s from Pittsburgh! He’s a perfect owner for all three of our teams!”

Yinzers see absolutely no irony in their breathless reaction to Stanley Druckenmiller, a billionare who has emerged as a possible buyer of a majority stake in the Steelers and has never shied away from telling people how much he “loves Pittsburgh.” In fact, according to a recent article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette:

Stanley Druckenmiller is also a diehard Steelers fan who rarely misses a game at Heinz Field, typically hosts a tailgate party in the “A” lot and has been known to paint his face black and gold.

With an owner like that, it’s easy to see how the man could be perceived as interested in ruining the franchise and moving the team to another city.

It is best to leave well enough alone when the subject of Mark Cuban comes up in Yinzer sports conversations. As with the most pervasive of myths, Yinzers never let the facts get in the way of a good legend.

Craigslist Yinzers #7 – Me Drink, You Hunt or Get Buff

Nice Compound bow or Olympic Weight set for BEERMEISTER!!?

Reply to: sale-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-14, 9:23AM EDT

Looking for a nice, used beermeister. Small black kind or re-vamped small fridge type, as long as it is in GOOD condition and has co2 tank, regulator, lines, etc. CAN PICK UP AND DELIVER:
Either (or both depending on condition of beermeister- ie, if you have a like new one that is just sitting and collecting dust cause all your friends are pansies…):

PSE Compound bow- about 7-8 years old, comes with EVERYTHING to get started bowhunting. (…) Great bow; killed many deer with it- I just splurged and bought a brand new one and have no use for this old one….
OR,
Nice Olympic weight set includes: flat bench with incline option, preacher curl bar and preacher curl station, leg extension hook-up, olympic bar, and about 250 pounds of Olympic weights, with a Gold’s Gym plate tree that holds all the weights!!

Contact if interested in either of these for your beermeister or kegerator!!

#10 Illegal Video Poker Machines

The local corner bar represents the foundation of Yinzer culture, a sacred place where fathers spend quality time with their children, wives meet their eventual husband(s), and bartenders are asked to serve as Godparents. It is a common belief that Yinzers just like to sit on a bar stool, talk about the Steelers, drink Iron City, and do shots of Jim Beam to a soundtrack of 70′s southern rock. While these behaviors are certainly tenants of their culture, even the most staunch Yinzer can get bored with doing the exact same thing every night since Carter was elected president. For Yinzers, wasting money on useless endeavors comes naturally, which means that they will eventually try to win a few more rounds of beer through the video poker machines.

Illegal video poker machines are everywhere in Yinzer nation. While the actual machine is supposedly for “entertainment purposes only,” there is a common understanding that the bar will pay out the winnings.  Whether it is a backroom parlor at a newsstand in Braddock, a little tavern in Dravosburg, or an Elks Club in Westmoreland County, you’ll find Yinzers with a beer, puffing a pack of cigarettes away, hoping to nail the jackpot that has eluded them for twenty years. Most popular are the 80s-era machines, complete with a neon-colored bikini-clad woman rendered using video graphics slightly more sophisticated than those featured in the original Pong game.

There are certain rules by which to play if ever at a Yinzer bar. It is not recommended to ever play video poker as an outsider, but in the event that one might want to throw in a couple of $1 bills, the following must be observed:

  1. Never ever play someone else’s machine. While ownership is not entirely clear to non-Yinzers, established players have already marked their territory. Particularly drunk Yinzers might actually pee on the machine, though this is both frowned upon and a considerable electrocution risk.
  2. Never, ever win more than $10; Yinzers hate nothing more than some foreigner coming into their bar and taking the money that is rightfully theirs. In the event that the $100 jackpot is hit, be sure to exhaust it on beer and shots for the regular patrons in the establishment, as this is most likely the only way to leave the place in one piece.
  3. Don’t make any noises that correspond to the fortunes of the game. Yinzers believe that video poker takes a tremendous amount of focus and luck. While focus and luck have absolutely no bearing on the outcome, Yinzer superstition will always override rational thought.
  4. Like a caddy in golf, always blame the lack of success on something else. Suggestions include: the temperature; time of year; lack of focus; significant others; missing lucky charms; or some other factor. The stacked odds in favor of the house is not an acceptable excuse, however.

Yinzers will always love gambling. It is best to get out of their way and let them play. Good fortune may prevail, and being in the presence of a victorious Yinzer guarantees at least one round of Iron City to every patron in the building. Unless instructed to give a toast, down the beer knowing that the short-term pain of drinking Pittsburgh’s semi-famous brew is far preferred to inciting a riot for being the outsider who won it all and ruined it for everyone else.